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Movie Reviews

17 Dec 10
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We love reading the reviews, or blurbs, they place on the video jackets that talk about each movie. Their goal is to convince you to buy the film.

Many of them are quite funny. Some of them are just words they know people want to hear – for instance, many family movies say the same thing: “A warm-hearted family movie.” Even when everyone in the kid movie dies of some odd disease, or famine or even eating grasshoppers, it’s still labeled as “warm-hearted.”

Many of them though are strange amalgams of sayings – odd things they mix together, sometimes taking phrases from several reviews and mixing them together, with sometimes hilarious results. Some of our favorite examples are below.

“Extraordinarily for most of its run time.”
The Last Airbender

“Full Action Pack.”
24 – Redemption

“One Day is Enough for You!”
Knight and Day

“Entertainingly Epic Eye Candy.”

“This is a seriously crazy-ass film”
Observe and Report (Okay, this one could actually be real, but it’s still funny)

“She’s rampage.”
“Killing spree.”

“The Hearts of Children Will Love It.” (What about the rest of them???)
Animals United

“A pure thriller, all blood, no frills, in which a lot of people get shot, mostly in the head.” (Clearly a fun family film. Maybe even ‘warm-hearted’)
Faster (Dwayne Johnson)

“Perfect comedy… you watch it!”

“Smooth, compelling, almost suspenseful.” (But not quite, apparently. Clearly describes any Tom Cruise movie)

“Movie In This Year.”
Tom and Jerry in Space

“A Pretty Good Film, Albeit a Straight One.” (Good. No gay cartoon characters for my kids)
Arthur and the Minmoys 3

“The pile-driving pop-culture jokes, and the moments of weird, early-mad-magazine comic invention.”
The Princess Frog (The Princess Frog – Mad Magazine???)

“Hollow, lightweight entertainment.”
The Mummy III

“Surprisingly uneven and marginally entertaining.”
Meet the Fockers

And my personal favorites:

“The result is a brisk trot through a story that is, at heart, a tough slog.”
“Not Every Incredible Story Makes a Compelling Movie.” (You can sure say that again)
The Way Back

All damned faint praise, I’d say.

1 Comment

  1. Tim Jones March 2, 2011 at 8:58 pm Reply

    All I can say after reading today’s post is:

    “Fascinating, heart-felt, albeit exhilarating, compelling post. So fun you will shoot yourself in the head with laughter. Seriously crazy-ass. albeit straight, post full of action most of the time. You read it.” – Tim Jones

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